“Cherish your solitude. Take trains by yourself to places you have never been. Sleep out alone under the stars. Learn how to drive a stick shift. Go so far away that you stop being afraid of not coming back. Say no when you don’t want to do something. Say yes if your instincts are strong, even if everyone around you disagrees. Decide whether you want to be liked or admired. Decide if fitting in is more important than finding out what you’re doing here. Believe in kissing.”
― Eve Ensler
Finding a way to yourself can be quite a struggle especially when living alone. When you are your own roommate, annoying behaviours are going to stare you right in the face and no matter how long you try to ignore them, they are going to drive you crazy.
Every now and then you are going to find ways to cope with some of them but most of the time you forget about new routines and smoothly slide into old habits. Those habits vary depending on the childhood trauma you got.
The only routine I managed to stick with was my morning routine before work. There is no better way to start the morning than taking the time for yourself instead of rushing off to a job you don’t really care about. So, every morning I drink my coffee in bed and read a few pages of a book before getting up, which has helped me deal with the feeling of getting up for the job.
My evening routine got lost along the way and that became a problem without me even noticing. It always starts with the feeling of loneliness and boredom, followed by going out a few days a week, each of which starts with one drink, and ends with all too familiar depression. I couldn’t see the pattern until I went out on the weekend. I could say I reached rock bottom. The evening started out very nicely. A Belgian guy asked me to do an imaginary sword fight with him in the bar so he could get a beer – I’m still pissed he didn’t buy me one, since I took the time for that shit – and I was feeling more sober than I actually was. Nothing bad happened. I met a guy, actually he came up to the bar and ordered three drinks he didn’t need just to have an excuse to talk to me, and he was funny, and one thing led to another, and I went home with him. My friends were long gone so nobody knew I was walking home alone with a stranger.
There were a lot of weapons laying around at his place, which was a little bit unsettling, but he had beer there, we could smoke in the apartment, and it was to late to do something about it anyhow. The best thing you can do when living alone is having sex on a regular basis. Just basic body care. We had sex for almost two hours. It was good, I mean he really tried but I don’t get what it is with people nowadays asking questions (this time in the middle of sex) like: “has it been a while since your last time?” First of all, that is none of your business, second what kind of question is that? It’s not like it would make a difference in the moment, and third why during sex? My overthinking brain was way too happy to begin questioning the motive behind that query. And yes, I asked him why, he just didn’t give me a real answer.
Anyway, I got about two hours of good sex without orgasm, and I know what you are thinking right now but no. The guy insisted on bringing me home, which didn’t happen (I should thank the bus driver); he offered me to stay overnight but it was already half past 7 in the morning so that didn’t make any sense; he hold my hand when we were walking outside; he wanted to cuddle; and he texted me five times afterwards even though I replayed in monosyllables. Worst of all he told me he has been single for a month, and he broke up the relationship because he wants to have kids.
And here I am, bored by the guy who hates drugs but looked like he was on drugs, thinking of finally having to get my shit together. What I mean by it, is stop drinking for a while and concentrate on myself so I do not feel so lonely that I feel the need to try to find someone who can match my vibe; and probably buy some new sex toys for myself. Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy being alone. I’m just running out of ideas of what to do with my time because I forget to enjoy being alone. I got stuck in my head and forgot to be present. I forgot to enjoy the fact that I have the bed all by myself, that I can watch whatever movie I want whenever I want. I forgot that I could eat ice scream for breakfast and breakfast for dinner if I want to. I forgot that it is ok to lay around in bed just doing nothing. I forgot that I am a grown ass woman who can do whatever she wants. I’m just not quite sure what that is yet. It feels like I have to force myself to go for a walk or do a workout or eat more vegetables. It feels like having your shit together is a tough thing to do and quite frankly, it seems more exhausting than it should be. It probably isn’t but I had to google how to live alone, since apparently I am not capable of doing it the right way. By the way, buying a pet is not a solution to how to live alone happily. It just isn’t.
Here my favourites so far (not in a sarcastic way):
- Get your first cup of coffee in the morning and drink it in bed while reading a book (when I first read about it I thought it was stupid, now I love it)
- Avoid social media as much as possible
- Learn to code – I am currently watching this guy
- Kick yourself in the butt and do yoga
- Learn lock picking – you never know
- Since going for a run is still a tough one for me, I like going for a run in the rain; less people around, not so hot.
- Make a meal plan for the week
- Listen to a podcast while cooking
- It’s ok to take one day to binge watch a show and eat junk food
- Stock your medicine cabinet for when you get sick
- Find reasons to leave the apartment even if you don’t have something to do
- Find a meet-up group to do something you are interested in with new people
- Run around naked
- Pee with the door wide open
- Get out of your comfort zone (you could go for a late night walk for example)
- Turn off your Wi-Fi 1 hour before going to bed and enjoy the quiet
Aromatic deception 