“I’ve been in love before, it’s like a narcotic. At first it brings the euphoria of complete surrender. The next day you want more. You’re not addicted yet, but you like the sensation, and you think you can still control things. You think about the person you love for two minutes then forget them for three hours. But then you get used to that person, and you begin to be completely dependent on them. Now you think about him for three hours and forget him for two minutes. If he’s not there, you feel like an addict who can’t get a fix. And just as addicts steal and humiliate themselves to get what they need, you’re willing to do anything for love.”
― Paulo Coelho, By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept
Morning. Spots of red wine decorate the sink of the otherwise spotless kitchen. The only suggestion of a bleeding heart. A few days of quiet can work wonders. Your body relaxes your mind becomes numb. Nothing matters anymore. Not even the pain. You are awake but it does not feel like it. Something broke inside while your body keeps telling you, you are fine. Like a car, slowly dying without anyone noticing because the display does not work anymore. Or is it? Memories feel like a dream. Did it really happen? A far recollection of happiness now replaced by nothingness. “I’m fine” you keep telling yourself even though you do not know. Is it love if it is one-sided? Probably not. And since all love stories end because there is always one loving more than the other: does love really exist?
How long after are you allowed to feel again? A week? A month? A day?
Not even a week and you find yourself kissing someone else and you do not even know why. Maybe you are trying to fill the emptiness or maybe you just did not really care enough. Do you now? Or are you just reaching for that tight feeling you get when caught between two strong arms in a warm embrace? The trill of having someone else’s fingers gently reach for yours. It is nice not having to look after yourself for a few hours. Knowing someone else is there for you. Looking after you. Cheering you up while caring for you and the only thing you can think about is the warmth you felt for a little while. You crave that feeling but you know that going down that path again will carve out another piece of you and yet you do not know if you have real happiness dangling before your eyes if only you would dare to go for it without overthinking. The hope of finding the one will never die. Believe me, I have tried.
Doubt starts following you everywhere. You cannot trust your brain anymore, so you keep busy. Or at least you try to.
Aromatic deception 