She stopped for a brief moment, realizing the deep emptiness pushing harder and harder against her chest again and again, drawing attention to the smothering blackness eating her from the inside, reaching through the bones into the brain, poisoning it with thoughts, gnawing slowly at her soul. Her hearth had fallen out somewhere along the way exhausted, incapable of screaming for help and went lost without notice, without anyone caring. Now she looked around, thousands of dumb faces, thousands of dead eyes, no one able to see the hallow present they’ve created, the decaying world and rotting souls inhabiting it, sucking the last drops of life living in it. No one would ever be able to repair the damage growing inside her, the cracks slowly destroying every little bit of what was once whole. Like a marvel statue forgotten by time and claimed by nature, abandoned by her own kind, that didn’t fit anywhere anymore.
She tried to match the agony coming from the inside with pain outside her body in every way she could, but it never seemed to be enough. The lashing, the choking, the cutting and all the violence she allowed to be inflicted on her, the burning sting in her flesh, piercing through her bones couldn’t wake up the feelings that were long gone. Her tormented mind couldn’t but listen to the voices in her head telling her to push the knife deeper into her belly up to the chest, to let the ocean of despair, fear and pride in which her inner child had drowned long time ago, finally out.
Raindrops started falling on her hair, dropping on her face, freezing her cold features. She grabbed the little package from her purse and pulled with her shaky fingers a cigarette out. It wasn’t easy to start the lighter with the wind coming from all directions, but once it was done, time seemed to stop. The smoke invading her lungs, the nicotine pushing her system, waking it up, the knowledge that death was a little bit closer made everything look like a distant nightmare soon to be forgotten. It was so easy to ignore all these feelings caged inside during the day, the key was to stay busy, spending time with people that didn’t really knew her, that she didn’t knew and never wanted to. The conversations were always light and numb and as soon as the alcohol started flowing no one really was aware that she was there only to avoid the loneliness filling her home. But her feelings wouldn’t drown in alcohol, on the contrary, they started fleeing out of the cage she fought so hard to keep closed and they woke up thoughts, endless chain of thoughts that she couldn’t overlook and pushed her slowly into hell. In this state of apathy was impossible to fight against the devils pulling her deeper in the dark word she herself had created. She was trapped inside her head, curled up on the floor, knees to her chest, her hands pushing hard on the ears to avoid the voices, constantly whispering about the infernal side of the world. The dark forest of memories surrounding her, circled around her, showing her the monsters she had hidden into the deepest holes, showing her what could have been, showing her the buried evil, the lies, the deceptions she probably had overlooked. Showing her all her fears and the hopelessness of the future waiting for her.
In front of her, the majestic fruits of all the mistakes she had made, all the mistakes she will never forget nor excuse. The peel dark and wrinkled, worms and insects crawling out of the chaps. The black trees kept whispering to her, the worms dropped onto the naked floor only to transform into giant flies, looking at her. The trees, the dead fruits, the worms, the flies came nearer and nearer, becoming louder and louder, forcing her to surrender. She was trapped in this endless loop every time she lost control over the darkness, until her body would give up. Her eyes barely open, her consciousness half asleep, and then they came. At night the demons came out from the shadows, crawling silently into her bed, caressing gently her soft skin and lovely whispering into her ears, following her dreams in restless sleep.
Although she had learned to live with them, accept them as lingering part of her life, she could not shake the feelings they injected into her dreams. She tried to fight them, only with brief success. The thoughts infesting her mind day after day were joined by more thoughts acquired through everyday delusions. They kept summing up in the cave until it was full, and she could welcome the emptiness with a warm comforting hug, that gave her the secure feeling of normality, without feeling anything. The brain was finally shot down, no more tormenting thoughts, no more endless loops of scopes droning in her head, only the silence of the missing hearth and the dumb wish for an end. And then the demons would crawl out again smelling the peaceful agony, to take advantage of this state of surrender and drag her back to her personal hell, so that she could feel home again.
Aromatic deception 